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For Nigel Temerity, unwanted, abandoned, life is one long thwart. Instrumental in his downfall are a series of characters all with his worst interests at heart. Shafted out of his inheritance, a half-baked kidnap plan appears to succeed but his fate is bound to a bourbon-basted DCI, a hormonal hostage and his Job Centre adviser. It all goes wrong as the final scene is played out on national TV.

Nigel is ‘adopted’ by transgender nuns – Sunday names Trevor and Maggie. When his hitherto secret existence is revealed, Mother Superior issues ecclesiastical P45s and the ‘happy family’ find themselves in secular surroundings. Trevor’s untimely death leaves Maggie to deal with the teen tantrums of Nigel; deranged she spends her final days giving communion to the residents of her care home using Ribena and Ryvita.

Having been failed by school and welfare-to-work programmes, Nigel discovers he will become a man of property, a house converted into five apartments. Until Maggie’s passing when he can realise his inheritance, he signs on at Job Centre.  His adviser, Warren however, finds himself the rightful heir when Maggie dies intestate.

Nigel decides to abduct Warren’s girlfriend Patti. His surprisingly successful kidnap is inevitably going to cack as Patti, with the mother-of-all hormone imbalances is ‘Stockholming’ and convinced they will have fifteen minutes of fame in front of the TV cameras.

As the teacher from Apartment A successfully leads the hostage party to safety down the fire escape, the drink-fuelled DCI tasers his own career, discharging 50,000 volts into the have-a-go hero. The Independent Police Commission give Detective Cleverly two options – pension or no pension.  Nigel is left to the mercy of Social Services to turn him into an Ordinary Boy.  

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